Remembering the Past

What caught and held my attention today wasn't anything on TV or in the news, although hearing George Carlin had died was a bit sad. No, what has me up at this hour posting instead of returning to bed is something most of us (most likely all of us) are guilty of, which is over analyzing our past. We try to change it in our minds, trying to tell ourselves that the reasons that we had done something were wrong, and if only I had done it this way instead my life would be 10 times better today. We paint ourselves these rosy pictures of would ofs and should ofs and are always better off in the end had we known then what we know now. We pummel ourselves for what now looks like the wrong thing and rarely just let it be what is which is our pasts and as such can do nothing to change it.

Here is an example. At this moment I am trying to figure out how to numb myself from the T5 down and telling myself I knew I should have told that Corpsman¹ the chit² she wrote was bullshit instead of taking it and storming out. At the time I was stationed in 29 Palms, California, in the middle of a desert on the side of a mountain, and upon acceptance of her findings this left in my hand a chit stating I was not to run on sand or hills... I did what all of us probably do in most medical situations and what the doctor says is it or in some cases so shocked you don't know what to say or do for fear of violence. The thing is I knew there was something legitimately wrong with me and the chit she wrote told my Instructor that there wasn't and he proved daily that he thought I was a PoS³ that deserved to be run into the ground. You would hope in your heart of hearts that he would have been more understanding and could just tell there was something wrong but there is a reason for that chit. Personnel fresh from bootcamp and MCT⁴ arrive at MOS⁵ school and decide I have done nothing but run and PT⁶ my ass off (literally in some cases) and I want a break so I'm going to say that my ankle hurts or whatever and get out of PT for a couple of days or weeks. Thus was born the 'this guy is faking' chit, and now I had one. So I was pissed, and we ran back and forth on the same stretch of flat road one time, then oh well you can run this hill, it has pavement, then the mountain runs, which honestly I would have found really fun, except for the fact by the time I got back to my barracks my ankle was purple and the size of one of those small basketballs. Was it the Instructor's fault? Absolutely not. Was it all the Corpsman fault? Honestly I can't say that either. I didn't stand up for myself, and I was the pig headed fool when the chit ran out in a couple of weeks that didn't go back to BAS⁷ and say I was still in pain for fear I would get another bs chit. After a few months of running on one bum ankle and compensating on the other I moved up the hill to a new Instructor. The platoon Sgt told the Instructor there was really something wrong with me and should be forced to go BAS, which I was, and now I had what the bone doctor at the hospital and the therapist accidently tells me are double ankle train wrecks. After a couple years of therapy the left one doesn't get any better, I am sent packing with a medical discharge with other injuries due to ankle instability, and wishing every day of my life I would have told that Corpsman she was wrong and I wouldn't have been so pig headed about getting myself taken care of.

Best case scenario had I told her off, I would still be a Marine loving my job. But what about the other hand?

Here is the point of this blog, we always think things will come out on the rosy side, but what if it hadn't? I could have gotten fixed in school, and by the time I had gotten to my duty station I would have been great and ready to go (instead of being sent back to the shop or to the truck). I would have been sent overseas and I might have come home with worse injuries than pain filled joints or I might not have come back at all.

There is another one we always want to change… our love lives. Oh I wish I wouldn't have dumped him, because my life would be great now. The fact of this analyzing is that we either are single and lonely or perhaps we had a tiff with our current love and think well so and so would have agreed with me. Maybe if I had of done things this way he wouldn't have acted that way. Abused women never remember the pain of being hit, but they remember the ways he apologized, and go back thinking well if he was that sweet he must have meant he wouldn't hit me again. I remember watching a program on photography and one photographer interviewed showed photos she had taken of herself months later after being hit where she was still bruised all over her face. She had to pull out the pictures to remind herself not to go back to him. We have a way of shoving away the pain and remembering the way we felt those first couple of months where when he winked you giggled like a school girl or when he snored all night keeping you awake but it was the cutest thing in the world. We forget the ways they ignored us or lied to us almost every weekend about oh how much they loved and missed us but they were always too busy with something else to spend time with us. The way he never said thank you or notices the things you do for him but you just know he appreciates it. Or how you stayed up all night or weekend thinking he was dead because he said he would call or come over and he was a no show. We always turn everything into our own faults too. Oh if I hadn't lingered those extra few seconds to look at this one item he wouldn't have lost me in the crowd for hours.

Let's face it people, there are reasons we do the things we do. Everything happens for a reason in my opinion. Had my ex not been crazy (literally) I wouldn't have joined the military. If I wouldn't have joined the military I wouldn't have met my ex husband and my daughter wouldn't be here, but also my joints would still be intact. If I wouldn't have been a disabled veteran perhaps my views and opinions wouldn't be what they are today thus I wouldn't have had that much in common with my husband, and we wouldn't have hit it off as well as we did. I would have blown him off and end up waiting for a guy that in the end would have run off to do what he does best which is being single.

There is a reason you gave him up, and you may tell yourself you were just being scared of going to the next step, but if you allow yourself to remember honestly you would know you had a reason to be scared and it wasn't because you have commitment issues, it is because you knew deep down somewhere it would continue the way it was as long as you were with him.

¹Corpsman

An enlisted person in the U.S. Navy or Marines who has been trained to give first aid and basic medical treatment.

²chit

doctor's note

³PoS

piece of sh*t

⁴MCT

Marine Combat Training, which teaches the rest of us none infantry folk the basics because you are always a Marine first and your MOS second.

⁵MOS

military occupational specialty

⁶PT

Physical Training

⁷BAS

Battalion Aid Station, or medical (It’s like a nurse’s office in school on a larger scale.)